Clown Invasion

Late night writing can only mean one thing... I have something on my mind. Let me tell you, I do!

What do I have on my mind?

Clowns. That is right. I have clowns on my mind.

In light of the recent clown outbreak that seems to have taken over the entire country, I can't stop thinking and worrying about clowns. I am anticipating having one show up out of no where. I look out the kitchen door and expect to see a clown sitting in our back yard, watching and waiting for us to come out and play. I look past our fence and imagine a puff of menacing red hair poke out the the corn field. I drive down the road and search for clowns in the distance, clowns on porches, clowns in ditches, and clowns crossing the street. I can't stop thinking about them.

I started sending clown siting updates to friends. Every time a new clown incident pops up on fb, I forward it on. I was half laughing at the clowns until I read a fb status that clowns were spotted walking along a cornfield 10 miles south of us and then another report of clowns walking through neighborhoods 15 miles north of us. I feel surrounded.

I decided I needed to warn the girls about not talking to clowns. I thought it would be best to tell them if a clown shows up in the cornfield behind us they need to run. Obviously, this was not the best idea, since I have answered 500 questions about clowns in the last 20 minutes and my parents both reported there was constant clown talk ALL NIGHT LONG. I simply wanted my super trusting children to be aware of the dangers associated with the large shoe wearing, giant makeup smile painted creatures. I don't want them to be the next victims of clowns.

I am now officially obsessed with clowns. Like a for real, full on obsession. I am completely consumed with clown thoughts. Tonight while I was sitting out dealing with ulcer pain while the rest of my friends danced the night away, I figured out what is going on with the clowns...

We are dealing with a clown revolution. Clowns have been treated badly for years. Ever since the movie It, clowns have gotten a bad wrap. I believed the only clown you can trust is Ronald McDonald. Then out of the blue it dawned on me, he is the leader of this clown-invasion. This clown-coop has been in the works for years, even BEFORE the movie It. Ronald's entire mission involves two steps. First to trick kids into trusting clowns. "Love me and my crazy giant red shoes and I will give you fries." "Trust me, I will give you junky toys that break before you get home in your happy meals." Then after Ronald has a nation of kids loving clowns, he feeds them unhealthy food. Step two is to fatten up the children of America, so they can't outrun the clowns. With childhood obesity at an all time high, Ronald's plan is a success.

Now the clowns have gathered in secret clown clan meetings. They have organized. They are ready to take over the country by any means necessary. Clown cells are emerging from the underground lairs they have been inhabiting.  We are under attack. No one is safe from clowns. No one.

Until clowns are stopped, I will continue to pass on the sighting information. I will continue to watch for clowns in parking lots, in the back of my car, and in the pew in front of me at church. I will not take this laying down. Mostly because the heartburn is really bad right now...I am going to be ready for a clown ambush. I am not going to leave my house without being armed with makeup wipes and a spray bottle. (Without the makeup, a clown is nothing.)

I won't be a victim.

I can't wait until the field behind us is plowed. I don't even care that I will be sneezing for days. Allergies are better than clowns.