My Internal Struggle

I did something today that has left me with an internal struggle. I fluctuate between feelings of pure genius to feelings of absolute laziness, feelings of liberation to feelings of captivity. My decision today has left me in a complete conundrum.

What did I do that has created an internal struggle?

I used Hyvee Aisles Online. This online grocery delivery service has left me in an emotional deadlock. I don't know how to process this new experience. I did what I always do when I am at an emotional impasse; I made a list.

Pros:

1. I didn't have to drag the A Team to the store. No matter where we go we always cause a commotion, usually it is because A2 sees the world as her stage and the open aisles are perfect for her own choreographed dance numbers, or A3 having a complete meltdown because A2 looked at her, or dealing with A1's dreadful preteen angst. I sometimes try to avoid taking them out in public at all. I assume it isn't good for my normally healthy blood pressure to rise so drastically for the duration of the trip. It also can't be good for our relationships. I spend the time scolding and correcting while they spend their time probably internally cussing and conjuring up new ways to torture me.

2. Stick to the list. I can be an impulse shopper, especially when I have the girls with me. There have been shopping trips where I show up with a list, buy a cart full of groceries, get home, find nothing that was actually on the list. By ordering all the groceries online, I simply type in what I need and it pops up in my cart. I am not enticed by the junk I pass as I walk down the aisle. This is especially great as I start another new diet meal plan.

3. More free time. Using this service, saved me at least 3 hours.  I didn't have to load anyone into the car, drive to the store, walk back and forth, lose kids, find kids, search for groceries, stand in line, load the car and drive home. I sat at home in the recliner, watching Dawson's Creek ordering the groceries and waited for them to show up at my door. No time wasted.

4. Stick to the budget. Since I am sticking to my list, I am sticking to my budget. It is also easy to comparison shop while lounging in my pajama pants. I can figure out what is the real deal, not what is on a flashy sign or sticker. I can think about what I am doing. No pressure.

5. Don't have to leave the house. Being an introvert, with a job full of people, I need the weekend to decompress. I need people free time other than my team of people. A good day on the weekend is a day I don't have to go anywhere. I don't get those days very often, so this helps!

Cons:

1.  Can't get my 10,000 steps in. If I am being honest, I need to admit that I don't always get my 10,000 steps in, especially on the weekends when my routine is a little different. Sometimes I will use the grocery store as a way to get my step goal accomplished. Without my shopping trip today, I won't make my goal.

2. My "Vacation Time". When Mac is home and I can escape without the girls, I sometimes trick myself into thinking a trip to the grocery store is vacation time for me. It is the only way to get a break from the sometimes nagging name of mom. Today I will not get that vacation time.

3. Don't leave the house. I could easily become a hermit. I am content staying home. Without needing to go to the grocery store, I might not have a reason to leave the house. I already use Amazon to buy almost anything that isn't food. Now I don't have to leave the house to buy food.

4. I will stick to the list. Sticking to the list should be a good thing, Normally it is. Right now, though, I really want a chocolate chip cookie and I don't have any because they weren't on the list.

Even after my list, I still feel torn and a little guilty. Guilty, because I love Hyvee Aisles Online! I saved myself stress today. I didn't have to drag the girls out of the house. I didn't have to spend the day fighting them. It made my day a little more peaceful. I may not have taken my vacation day today, but Mac was at the Muni so I wouldn't have gotten it anyway. I will use this service again, maybe not every week because I couldn't handle the emotional torment every single week. Next time I will have to do it on day I can take the girls to the park so I can get my steps in.