I am fine

"How are you today?" asked an unassuming Walmart cashier.

You, sir, have no idea what a loaded question that really is.

I stare at him for an uncomfortable, awkward amount of time. How I am is swirling in my head. "I am tired. So tired. A strange tired that hurts my entire body. I can't decide if it starts in my head or if it starts in my toes. Either way the tired it is everywhere. I can't escape the tired. Even after eight hours of sleep the tired is there, weighing me down. My muscles scream. My joints ache. My legs are heavy blocks I drag with me everywhere. I am winded. I am out of breath. Climbing the stairs at home is my own personal Everest. My stomach hurts now. It didn't start hurting until I stopped drinking soda and starting taking my meds. That isn't fair. Eating hurts. Not eating hurts. My head hurts. Most days it is a dull pain that I can ignore. Some days it is blinding. Today it is in between dull and blinding. And also I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat, but that has nothing to do with anything else."

Instead I respond, "I am fine." in a generic socially accepted way. "How are you?" I ask. Hesitantly he responds "I am great." Deep down, I think there is more, but I go on.

After rethinking my generic answer, I realize it really isn't all that generic. I know I am fine. I will get better. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I am actually pretty lucky. I have doctors working to fix me, medicine that will make be better. I have friends and family standing by to support me. Friends who give up their Friday nights to sit with me, chatting the night away (at least until 8:00) wrapped up in blankets on the couch, because that is all I have energy for by the end of the week. Friends who surprise me with dinner and treats just because they know that is what I need. Friends who show up to do the dishes and offer to wash the laundry. (Yes, she really does exist.)

I am fine. I got a nap. I got an infusion. I will get another nap while I wait for the headache.

I am fine. How are you?

Health "Bump" Recap

I have had a lot of different people ask me what is wrong with me after I posted about my health scare. That made me realize I didn't actually say what was wrong. Sorry. Foggy mind and memory problems is a symptom, as well as, a personality flaw... I didn't mean to leave anyone in the dark. That really isn't my thing.

Last October I started to feel a little ick, so I called to get a doctor's appointment. Apparently my dr retired so I needed to find a new one. I found a new doctor who could see me in January... WHAT!?! That is insane, but I could deal. It was probably just a bug that was leaving me a little out of sorts.

I toughed it out. I was feeling tired, but nothing else was wrong. It was probably just me being mom-tired. I ignored it. A week before my appointment, my doctor needed to reschedule. She could get me in sometime in March. UGH!

I kind of started to panic. I really didn't think I could just deal much longer. My mom-tired was starting to interfere with life.  Sometimes I was so tired it would hurt. I could fall asleep almost anywhere. I was first trimester tired, without the perk of a baby in a few months. I was miserable. I was having trouble doing simple things, like walking up stairs hurt. My legs and lungs were on fire. I would have to sit and rest before I could do whatever I planned on going upstairs to do.  I was dizzy all the time. Luckily, a friend convinced me to find a different doctor. I called and the new new doctor could see me in 2 weeks. Much better than 2 months!

My new doctor was awesome. She didn't make me feel silly when I told her I was just. so . tired. She took me seriously. She did testing. We both thought it was probably thyroid, because I am the only adult woman in my family above the age of 21 without a thyroid problem. Plus, I secretly wanted it to be a thyroid problem, so I could blame the weight gain on my faulty thyroid and not my McDonald's addiction. 

A few days after my blood tests, I got a call from the nurse. My thyroid is fine. Boo. My B12 is a little low and my iron is really low. I needed a few more tests and I needed to start taking B12 and Iron. No problem. I can do that. I was anemic, no problem I can deal. That will be easy enough to fix. I know tons of people who are anemic. I was taking my iron twice a day and my B12 once a day.  I kept waiting to feel better. I wasn't.

After a month of taking my iron, I had to go back for more blood work. A few days after, I got another call from the nurse. This time she questioned if I was actually taking my iron. I was. She seemed discouraged. I got a little nervous. She said the doctor wants to see me again and she also wanted me to see a specialist. My iron went down since the last appointment.  Ugh! I didn't really know what that meant, but it didn't seem good.

At my next appointment, we went over my symptoms. She told me she was concerned because my numbers should be improving, but they were going down instead. She wanted me to start taking 3 iron pills a day. She was very candid with me. I didn't understand the seriousness of the situation until she told me she was concerned about my organs shutting down because of the low iron. Hold the phone! What do you mean organs shutting down!?! I need my organs running. I need my organs doing their jobs. If my organs shut down, that would be bad news. This is just a little iron problem. I know tons of people who are anemic. Really this can't be all that serious. Maybe she is just exaggerating. I am only anemic. I can deal. 

I went home and panicked. And worried. And lost sleep. And worried some more.

By the time I saw the hematologist, (which is also an oncologist, which made me panic more after I google stalked him) I was in full panic mode. Thankfully, he was awesome. He came in and did not mess around. He was no nonsense. He explained everything in a way I could understand. He praised my doctor for not wasting time and getting me in to take care of the problem right away. He set me up for 4 iron infusions and then more testing. He explained that some people are just anemic without any underlying cause. If that was my case then I would need to come back periodically for more infusions, but he would monitor that and we would deal with it when we came to it.

So basically to recap, I am anemic. My body won't absorb iron, for some mysterious reason, that maybe my Gastroenterologist will discover in the next couple of weeks. In the mean time, I will continue with my infusions and hope they start to work, because I like my organs working.

I know there a lot of people who are anemic. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me. But there is just something about hearing that your organs could shut down, if we can't fix the problem, that sends me into panic overdrive. There is something about being so tired that I fell asleep sitting up, that makes me worry. There is something about having your legs and lungs burn after going up the stairs and not being about to keep up with the A Team, that makes me get discouraged. There is something about being dizzy and passing out that makes me a little concerned. There is something about a little heath "bump" that makes me realize I am not immortal and I am not as young as I used to be.

I know that I will get past this. I will someday stop looking like a vampire. I will stop being so tired. I will be better!

That Moment

That moment you sit down, look in the mirror, and see your head on your grandma's body...
Not that there is anything wrong with my grandma's body. I am sure it is quite average for someone in her 70's; and honestly, that is what I would want, to be quite average in my 70's. However; I am not in my 70's, so my 36 29 year old head on a 70-something body is not what I want. 

This happened to me a few months ago and I stopped looking in the mirror. I mean I still look in the mirror to make sure my hair is presentable and the food crumbs are off my face, but I stopped really looking in the mirror. It was easier not to see how I have changed over the years, even just the last year.

I know what I need to do get myself back to having the body of an average 30 something. I know what I have to change in order to fit comfortably back in my average size medium slightly out of style clothes.

• I need to actually push play on all of those awesome Beach Body DVDs I buy. I need to listen my friend Shaun T. I need to get moving. I need to get outside, but that will have to wait until May and possibly June.
• I need to eat better. No more corndogs for breakfast. This has happened more than I really should admit... No more daily visits to my McDonald's. No more eating food just because it is there. The teacher's workroom can be a dangerous place, especially when you work with people who are great cooks! 
• I need more sleep. I have always been someone who needed a ton of sleep. Lately, I have been going to bed after 11 PM and getting up at 5AM. This is not enough sleep for me, especially when someone from the A Team wakes me up at 3AM.
• I need to find a better way to deal with stress. Starbursts are not the answer.
• I need to stop with the soda. Why in the world do I continue to drink that stuff that ends up hurting my stomach? I am stuck in a cycle where I stop drinking it, start drinking it, increase the number I have each day, drink 5+ sodas a day, end up doubled over in pain, stop drinking soda, start drinking it, increase the number...
• I need to eat more vegetables; fries and potato chips don't count.
• I need to eat more fruits; Skittles and Starbursts don't count.
• I need to drink more water See Mrs. C, I did pay attention last year in your science class!

I know what I should do, but the problem is actually doing those things. Why can't I make myself stop with the soda? Why can't I go to bed earlier ok, so I have 3 perfectly good reasons why I am not going to bed earlier... Why can't I plan ahead and eat a real breakfast? Why don't I have the motivation to follow through? Why can't I love myself more than I love food?

I know I should be like Nike and "just do it." That was Nike, right? Starting today I am going to pick one of the things I need to do and just do it.  Then, once I have some success, I will add another until I have all of my need to's added. I am starting with drink more water. This one should be easiest to do! 

Except I will start tomorrow.  It is too late at night to be adding water to this 70 something body, my 30 something head told me so...