Complete Strangers' Crude Comments

Keep in mind, I am not the most easy going person once May 1 hits...

When we first meet people or strangers witness our family of 3 girls we get all kinds of reactions and comments. Some are kind and polite while others are just plain rude and even vulgar. I usually ignore them or politely retort with some witty non-offensive comeback, but I have had it! It could just be my May meanness lashing out, but I am ready to fight back with a less polite witty and possibly offensive comeback. Since the beginning of May, Mac and I have heard these insane crude comments from complete strangers... now it is my time to tell them off, even if it is just in my heard. 

1. Wow! 3 girls? Give it about 5 years and your poor husband is going to need to move out; all those hormones. 
"Seriously? You think it will take 5 years? I am sure he is ready to move out now. Not because of GIRL hormones, but because there are 5 people living and arguing in the same house. Heck, most days I am ready to move out." 
OR
"Oh, you're right. Only teenage girls have fluctuating hormones.  The hormones of a teenage boy are totally stable and constant. No changes in emotions. No acne. No new stinks. No rage. Totally stable... Wait, a minute! All teens are rough to raise. They are supposed to be.  They are trying to grow up and become independent. Their bodies and minds are changing.  It is completely normal for a teen, boy or girl, to be a little wack-a-doo. No, my poor husband won't need to move out. We might need a time out though."

2. You have three beautiful girls! Have you thought about how you are going to pay for prom?
"Are you flipping kidding me? Have I thought about how I am going to pay for prom? My kids are 9, 6, and 3. No, I have not thought about how I am paying for prom! For crying out loud, I am thinking about how I am going to pay for pre-school, ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, piano lessons, and Girls Scouts. I am not thinking about an event that is a Dance that is ONE night. Are you kidding me? Yes, I understand the price of dresses is outrageous and people spend ridiculous amounts of money on dresses. That is not me.  That is not my style.  I have no problem saying no to the girls. I have no problem setting a budget and sticking to it. If you have the money to spend $1,000 on a dress, more power to you. I do not.  I will not. And that is that.  So, I guess I have thought about how I am going to pay for prom... I am not spending much."

3. You have 3 girls, you know that increases the chances that one of them will be a lesbian. 
"I really don't think that is how it works... BUT if that is how it works; when which ever the chosen lesbian is finds her lady and gets married, that just gives us the chance to love another daughter. You moron." 

4. I hope your husband has a shot gun.
"First of all, please don't encourage Mac.
Second, are you saying that I am raising helpless girls who are too dumb to make good decisions on dating? Honestly, we have all made a bad dating choices. You were probably someone's bad decision. Should you be shot?
Third, why would my girls need their father to chase of bad beaus with a gun? Why couldn't it be me?" 

5. As a parent of 4 boys, I only have to worry about 4 penises. You have to worry about 1,000s of penises. 
<Chokes back vomit>
"Seriously? Did you just imply that my daughters, who are 9, 6, and 3, are sluts? Are you making a joke about them having sex? Are you drunk or are you just stupid?" 
<Tells Mac to get his shotgun, because some jerk just offended 2 out of 3 his daughters. Since 1 is bound to be a lesbian, we won't have to worry about her and penises anyway.>

People need to stop trying to be witty. There is no need for small talk, unless you are kindly telling me my unmatching, smudge faced children are delightful, you can keep walking. I don't want to try to be polite to people who aren't polite to me.  I feel much better after telling off all the rude people I have run across this month, even if it is just in my head.
and now on the internet...