When the Kids are Away

A few months ago my parents asked if they could take the girls on a weekend trip, just them and the girls well... my aunt Debbie, her grandkids, her friend, and his grandkids too, but not Mac and not me. NO PARENTS ALLOWED. I didn't not hesitate to say HECK YES they could go! I may have even told a little fiblet that A3 would be fine on this trip. If I am being honest right now, I really didn't know if she was going to be fine. She hadn't ever been away from us over night and she was going through a phase, she is always going through a phase, but this one involved a lot of bad words. When I said she would be fine, I totally had my fingers crossed behind my back because I HOPED she would be fine. And that is the truth. 

As the day got closer to this 3 day trip, I started to create a fantasy list of all the things I would do while they were gone. All the things I imagine adults without children would do on a weekend. My list included:

1. Sleep
2. Watch Outlander without fear of being spied on
3. Sleep
4. Go out to eat at 7:00 PM
5. Clean my house without interruption
6. Sit and admire my clean house without interruption.
7. Sleep
8. Wake up to a clean house
9. Finish my final project for my class
10. Visit with friends
11. Eat a meal while it is hot
12. Eat chocolate cake without sharing a bite, or three
13. Sleep in
14. Stay out late
15. Do nothing

I started a count down. I was so excited to get to be Carrie and not Mom. I couldn't stand it! Then as the day approached I got a brilliant idea: we would redo A2 and A3's room. I started a Pinterest board, a honey-do list, and a shopping list. We were doing this. I just needed to trick convince Mac.

The day came for the girls to leave. I was up at 4AM... they were just as excited as I was.  A3 was done sleeping. As I laid in bed getting kicked in the back by the messy haired one, I made a list of all the projects we would have to accomplish each day in order to finish the room before they got home. I was ready for them to go!

We were actually early to my parents' house, that never happens. We had the van packed in a matter of minutes and they were off. I wasn't even a little sad and that surprised me. I started to worry that I had some strange disorder that made mom's really happy when their children went away instead of miss them. I wonder if I need medicine for that? I plan on googling it later.

Mac and I rushed home to get started on the room. He was starting the bunk bed and I was starting the room clean out. I was almost 4 hours in, and I realized I wasn't interrupted at all. Not once. The sad part though was that I also realized I didn't have much done. The truth, I found out, is that I am a slow cleaner. This whole time I have been blaming the girls for not getting work done, but it is really me. I will never admit to this in real life and never once will a even whisper this to the girls, my cleaning fails will always be there fault. Always. Add that to their reasons for therapy list later in life. 

It was at the 4 hour mark that I realized the glorious quiet was starting to hurt my ears. My mind was needing to be distracted by the whiny demands of a 4 year old. My hands were begging to clean up a spill from an extra messy 7 year old. My temper was needing to be challenged by the tweeniest tween I know.

It was at the 4 hour mark that the pictures from my parents starting coming in. WHY WOULD THEY TORTURE ME? I was really starting to miss the girls and how could they be so cruel and send me pictures. They were rubbing in the fact that they were having fun with the A Team and I wasn't. They were making memories that I could only see in pictures. IT WASN'T FAIR! I am including some of the pictures, so you can understand where I am coming from, feel free to tantrum along with me! 

A3 is looking WAY TOO old here!

They all look happy. Real happy.

A2 is awesome being awesome.

A1 is a happy Tween. No fair.

I wanna go to Holiday World!

 I nearly had a temper tantrum as I started to paint the room. I made the decision to focus on the room. I wanted this room to be just as awesome as A1's room turned out in April. I wanted a room they would be proud to show their friends. A room they would want to keep clean, does that exist? Most importantly, I wanted a room that would be calming and encourage restful sleep. Does that exist? I am not sure if that is a real thing, but it was worth a try.

The room started out "Cute and Chaotic." Mac and I did this room while I was pregnant with A3. We wanted to make a fun room for A1 and A2, because they would have to share as soon as A3 showed up and booted A2 out of her room. We ended up with fun, wild, bright colors that encourage sleepless nights. At least that is the story we are going with...

I started this project the same way I start all of my project; with pictures of things Mac has to create. I need to brag on Mac for a little bit. He is amazingly talented at so many things including building. It is hard to believe that he is able to look at a picture and make it come to life. This time I threw extra challenges at him... I showed him pictures of things that had no plans with them. He had to create a plan for the project before he could even make it. It takes all kinds of talent to build things. It takes even more talent to build things based on a plan, but it takes the most talent to be able to look at a picture combine it with the directions and hand talking I give him, and then make exactly what was in my brain. Mac is the best. He did not write this, I swear! 

This project took us a little longer than our other room in April. Let's face it, we are older now and it is just hard to do this kind of work. I had to stop and nap, stop and complain, stop and eat. Plus, we had to move the "stuffs" of two (Kind of 3, because we discovered a ton of A1's things hiding in the room) kids out of room before we started. The first room was only 1 kid who really didn't put anything weird and extra in her room, like spoons, recorders, and Spackle. These are some of the weirder things we found this weekend. 

Even with the extra time it took for us to complete the project, I am very happy with the way it turned out! It was worth all the blood, sweat, and tears. Blood and Sweat all Mac; Tears all me.  Both girls are thrilled with their room, A1 is even a little jealous. I have to admit, I am a little jealous too!

Mac built the purple bunk for A2. I made the black paint stain on the floor under the rug.
The girls like the chalk board paint. I am hoping this is where they will put all of the vandalism marks. 

Here is the Reading Nook. Mac had to create this from the picture on Pinterest and the picture in my head.
A2 has spent most of the night hanging out in there. She thinks this is the best part of the room. She might be right. 

This is A3' section. Her idea. It has the two paintings she bought at the Art Fair
 and the sweet outfit she wore home from the hospital. All 3 girls have those on display. A1 thinks it is lame.
I don't care. 

I am excited for the bedspreads to show up later in July. Who knew things couldn't be over-nighted from Britain? Duh. 

As for my fantasy list...
I did not experience a clean house.  That just isn't in the cards for me. Maybe if the girls were gone for a month, but probably not. I also didn't finish my final project for my class... Not really in the mood to think. But let me tell you about the things I did do. I slept in until 10:30 one morning. I ate chocolate cake without sharing. I didn't eat hot food, but I didn't have hot food because I mostly ate salads and sandwiches.  One night we even ate at 10:45 PM, but that was because we were so busy working, we forgot. I started to watch Outlander, but I fell asleep, because I was out late. Ignore the fact that I was picking up garbage at the Muni. I WAS OUT LATE! I got to see friends. This weekend I managed to go to a gender reveal party and a bridal shower. I saw people there. Real people. I laughed with them. I enjoyed being with them. I saw my friends. Next time my parents agree to keep the girls for the weekend, I promise me that I will find a way to have a clean house AND do nothing. 

Treatment 2 of 4

No matter how much I plan and worry things change, especially the things I don't have any control over. Today was supposed to be a big test day for me. The test I was worrying about and losing sleep over, but I got a call Monday night that the doctor wouldn't be able to make it in, so we needed to reschedule.

Now I get to postpone my sleepless worry for another month, just when I was getting to the point where I was ok with everything. Luckily I was able to schedule an infusion for today, since Mac already took the day off. I am currently getting treatment 2 of 4 (but maybe more). I have to say this part really isn't so bad. I am sitting a recliner in almost peace and quiet. I brought my homework and my computer. I am kind of enjoying my 1.5 hours of relative alone time each week! (I feel like that is wrong to admit that, but it is true.)

Hopefully I will start to feel a difference after this infusion. I was told it could start to work anytime, even after the first one. I really didn't notice a difference after the first, so maybe first is the worst and second is the best. Fingers crossed!

Write my Worries

To say I'm overwhelmed by the response to yesterday's post, is an understatement (and also a cliché, but it fits so I'm going with it!) I write for me. I enjoy the clear head I get once my worries are typed. I love the adrenaline I get when I push publish, not knowing if anyone actually reads it or not. Honestly, I don't care if anyone reads it. Sometimes I have the courage to push publish because I assume my mom is the only one who will read the post. "Hi mom!" I also kind of selfishly get a thrill that maybe what I wrote makes someone feel something that day; hopefully happy, but I unexpectedly have had a few people respond that my blogs have made them cry. Sorry!

Yesterday I had to write to get the worries  out. I needed to put my thoughts in print so they would stop bouncing around in my head. And my goodness did it work! Last night I had the best sleep! I fell asleep before 10:00 and stayed asleep until A1's alarm clock went off 30 minutes before mine... We can talk about that later... I woke up rested, not groggy or even needing caffeine. It was a miracle! I didn't even think about my doctor's appointment until the girls asked me if I was going to be cut open today. Ugh... Nope. Not at all. Note to self: explain to the girls what is going on. 

I'm a very private person. I know, weird. A lady with a blog is a private person. But I really don't like to share about me. I will share about the A Team all day, or until they ask me to stop. Writing yesterday and sharing what is going on with me was freeing in a way. I usually worry about making other people worry. I didn't share with many people because I didn't need them to worry when I didn't even know what I was worrying about. I would rather be the one doing the worrying. I'm really good at it. It is my talent. 

I had so many people reach out, offer support, help, and encouragement. It felt great to know so many people where out there. The first few people who reached out made me cry. I was impressed, I couldn't believe they wanted to share the worry. They were there for me. Then as the night went on I was in shock. I couldn't believe the number of people who reached out. I could really feel the love. 

Thank you to all my friends for sharing the worry, for reassuring me, for offering to take on the A Team. I even had an offer to help with laundry... Too bad my laundry is all done, but sitting in baskets waiting to be out away. I really have the best friends, know the best people, and run in the best crowd. I will continue to write my worries, because I love sleep. 

In a Puddle of My Own Worry

Tomorrow I start treatment for a mystery illness. I haven't said much to very many people because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say and I don't like talking about me. Really the only people who know are the ones who have had to deal with me on a daily basis. The ones who have held on to me when I passed out. The ones who sympathized as I fell asleep while sitting down to eat. The ones who watched the girls so I could rest. The ones who I canceled plans with when I just couldn't. The ones who know, really don't even know, because I don't even know.

It is a little a lot scary when you know something is wrong, but you just don't know what, or when you know what but you just don't know why. While I am confident that my treatments will work and I will be feeling 100% by the end of July, just in time to go back to work, it is still enough of a health scare that makes me aware of my mortality. It has been the greatest contributor to my mom-somnia since school got out. I wake up at 3AM and worry. I worry about leaving the girls. I worry about leaving the girls before they are ready for me to go, before I am ready to go. I, of course, have made lists. I have lists for the girls. I have lists for people who would take care of the girls. I have lists for Mac. Now I know if something were to actually happen no one would find my lists for years, but I still felt better just writing them. 

I am relatively certain once I get past my appointment next week, I will be over my mom-sommia. The appointment next week is the one I have an irrational fear over. I know worry is wasteful, and yet, here I am sitting in a puddle of my own worry. I will continue to pray and make list, because lists make me feel peace. 

Please promise me, if something does happen to me, you will make sure the girls remember to brush their teeth, do their homework, find something that makes their hearts happy, and remember I love them. And when nothing does happen next week, please promise to remind me to remember to stop worrying!

Time to Nerd Out

You guys, let me just take a minute to completely nerd out. I'm taking three classes this summer and my books for the first class showed up this afternoon. I can't begin to explain how excited I am right now. I'm overwhelmed with giddiness. This is Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one. I can't wait to get started. Tonight I will dream of Ticonderogas, note cards, and 3 ring binders. I can't wait to jump into this class. I'm even setting my alarm an hour earlier than I have to wake up, so I can begin before the girls move mountains. It is time to exercise my brain, learn some new tricks, and become a better teacher.  I hope you all enjoyed this completely unfiltered nerdy moment. More to come later, I'm sure. 

Parenting Judge-offs

Tonight I got caught up in one of those Facebook Parenting Judge-offs. You know, the ones that are often started when the well intended "I-would-never-do-(fill in the blank)-when-I-am-a-parent" comment bomb is dropped. I know better. I should have jumped out of the way. I didn't.

My ego took a direct hit by flying judgmental shrapnel tonight. I jumped in to the war. I tried to explain the other side. Why a parent might actually do what was being judged. I put my heart out there. I even gave a real life example of when I was guilty of committing the parenting offense. A few other parents agreed with my reasoning. They even added their own examples.

Then out of nowhere the critics paratroop into the conversation. "A good parent would never...", "It is ridiculous to think any good parent would ever...", "You have no business...", and "It is totally absurd for a parent..." bullets were fired with direct hits on the target. I was enraged. I was in full combat mode. These renegade Facebook warriors, who I didn't even know, sucked me into a fierce Parenting Judge-off.

I was ready to lash out. I wanted to name call. I was fully prepared to have a full-fledged internet temper tantrum. I had side conversations with my war strategy planning committee. We laughed at all the terrible things we would never say about these people we never met.

After facebook stalking these strangers, I was able to see the bigger picture. Being upset over this simply isn't worth it! These people are not worth it! The ability to see another person's perspective is a cognitive skill that many people haven't developed. It is one that takes practice and the desire to learn. Not everyone wants to learn to see other opinions. And that is ok. I don't have to choose to interact with someone so clouded with judgement.

I did what any sensible person would do. I deleted my comment, blogged about it and moved on. I am a good parent. I love my kids. I am doing what I think is best for my kids. I will make mistakes. I will learn from the mistakes. I will be a better parent because of my mistakes. I don't need to win a Facebook Parenting Judge-off to prove I am a good parent.