In a Puddle of My Own Worry

Tomorrow I start treatment for a mystery illness. I haven't said much to very many people because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say and I don't like talking about me. Really the only people who know are the ones who have had to deal with me on a daily basis. The ones who have held on to me when I passed out. The ones who sympathized as I fell asleep while sitting down to eat. The ones who watched the girls so I could rest. The ones who I canceled plans with when I just couldn't. The ones who know, really don't even know, because I don't even know.

It is a little a lot scary when you know something is wrong, but you just don't know what, or when you know what but you just don't know why. While I am confident that my treatments will work and I will be feeling 100% by the end of July, just in time to go back to work, it is still enough of a health scare that makes me aware of my mortality. It has been the greatest contributor to my mom-somnia since school got out. I wake up at 3AM and worry. I worry about leaving the girls. I worry about leaving the girls before they are ready for me to go, before I am ready to go. I, of course, have made lists. I have lists for the girls. I have lists for people who would take care of the girls. I have lists for Mac. Now I know if something were to actually happen no one would find my lists for years, but I still felt better just writing them. 

I am relatively certain once I get past my appointment next week, I will be over my mom-sommia. The appointment next week is the one I have an irrational fear over. I know worry is wasteful, and yet, here I am sitting in a puddle of my own worry. I will continue to pray and make list, because lists make me feel peace. 

Please promise me, if something does happen to me, you will make sure the girls remember to brush their teeth, do their homework, find something that makes their hearts happy, and remember I love them. And when nothing does happen next week, please promise to remind me to remember to stop worrying!