Bad Advice

Today I gave my first truly awful and horrible advice as a parent.  I am positive this won't be the last bad advice, but since it is the first it will be quiet memorable...

All school year we have heard complaints about one student in her class, "Suzy Q." Every day, seriously, every single day, we hear about all the mean things Suzy Q has said and done to A1. Suzy Q pushed me today. Suzy Q said I have ugly hair. Suzy Q said I don't have friends. Suzy Q scratched my face. Suzy Q said I am gay because my aunt is gay. Suzy Q told all the girls not to play with me at recess.  Suzy Q, Suzy Q, Suzy Q!

We have talked to A1 and tried to help her through this. She talks to the counselor at school at least once a week to help her deal with Suzy Q. She tries to stay away from her, but Suzy Q seems to be drawn to tormenting A1. A1 can't get a break from Suzy Q.

This afternoon while I was making a quick Dance Night Dinner, the one I rush to prepare and feed the girls in the 20 minutes we are all home before we have to leave the house, A2 decided it was the perfect opportunity to throw a completely nude temper tantrum in the middle of the kitchen, because her dance tights didn't feel "just right." I was already weak since it is Thursday and my emotions were shot. I had had it. I was at my boiling point. Sweat was started to collect on forehead. All the set up is to help make me look less horrible...

A1 felt this was the right time to open up about the daily Suzy Q drama. BAD TIMING!  "Mom today Suzy Q's dad was at school. She introduced him to me, I was the only one she introduced him to. She said, 'Dad this is A1, she is the class trouble maker.' Can you believe she said that?"

Now keep in mind, A1 hardly ever gets in trouble at school.  She is always on green and gets all of her Class Dojo Points. This was about the worst insult anyone could say to her... that is until I opened my big mouth.

I looked at her and said, "You should have said, 'Hey Mr, Q, your daughter is Suzy the class B!?@*." A1's eyes got bigger than I have ever seen. Her mouth dropped open. All I could do was sputter. Did I really just say that? Did I call a 3rd grade kid a B? Did I really just encourage my 3rd grade child to say that to an adult? AHHHH! 

I quickly backpedaled. I apologized. I told her it was bad to say that. I told her I was wrong to say such things. I offered to put vinegar in my mouth. I wanted to cry.

A1 just laughed and laughed. She said, "Since you are an adult it is ok to say those words sometimes. Now when I look at Suzy Q I am going to laugh. She is just not nice and she is what you said, but I am not an adult so I won't say it when people can hear it."

I am just going to ignore that last part and praise her and be thankful this little slip happened with A1 and not A2. Please tell me I am not alone and SOMEONE else has done something so horrible... Somebody? Anybody?

Judgement

Tonight A1 had one of those tough growing up moments. One second she was my sweet little girl the next second her head was spinning, flames coming out of her eyes and smoke out of her ears. 

She was mad because her life is horrible. I asked her to put her clothes away. She screamed. She shouted. She stomped her feet. She pounded her fists in the air. She pushed A2, who just laughed at her sending A1 in to a new level of rage. She ran to the garage and said she was sleeping there. She came back in and yelled that we all hate her. She stomped up the stairs. She hid in her room. 

Fifteen minutes later she was back downstairs, a sobbing puddle of eight year old girl curled up in my lap. She was ready to unload whatever was bothering her... 

Everyone hates her. This seems to be our theme this year. Her friends all judge her. She hates being judged all the time. Why do people have to judge other people? 

I sat and listened. Finally she got a little more specific. According to A1, all of her friends have been making fun of her for still playing with Barbies. I had a hard time believing it was all of her friends, so I questioned this statement a little further. Turns out not ALL of the girls have been making fun of her. She wanted to know if it was ok for an 8 year to play with Barbies. She wanted to know why someone would make fun of someone else. She wanted to know if the rest of her life was going to be like this. 

Honestly, I wanted to tell that people do this because they suck. That some people are just jerks. I thought about telling her to get used to it because a lot of girls at catty }!+€%£>, but I didn't. 

I didn't because I have hope that she won't have to deal with this all the time. I have hope that at some point girls will stop tearing each other down just because they can. I have hope that people will accept others in spite of their differences. 

I didn't want to tell her all the negatives because that would crush the hope. I would make it true that people suck and girls enjoy being mean to each other. I would make it acceptable. I would make it be what she expects. 

Instead I told her that it is perfectly ok for an 8 year old to play with Barbies. I even offered to play Barbies with her. Thankfully, she said no. I told her that only creative people with good imaginations play with Barbies. I told her that sometimes people can be mean if they don't feel good about themselves or if they don't understand something. I told her that sometimes people in groups will pick on one person to make the others in the groups think they are really improtant or smart. I told her she wouldn't have to deal with this the rest of her life. I told her to choose friends who will love her no matter what toy she is playing with. I told her to walk away if she felt like people were judging her. I told her to do what makes her happy, as long as it follows my rules. I told her to remember this when she is dealing with other people and their feelings. 

I told her to love herself and it wouldn't matter what other people thought. I told her I love her no matter what. I told her God loves her no matter what and is on her side. 

I gave her a hug. Then I told her to go to bed because she was going to have to put her clothes away in the morning.