My Worry, My Reality

Today was the day I had been losing sleep over. The day I had been dreading since May. My colonoscopy and endoscopy. No, I am not 50 yet, but I earned this double procedure because my body decided to reject iron. We needed to do it to try to solve the mystery.

I wasn't worried about the normal stuff; the prep or the actual procedure. I was worried about the anesthesia. I worried myself into thinking something would go wrong. I didn't have any reason to think this, other than it was probably on a Lifetime Movie I watched once or the subject of a Lurlene McDaniel book I read when I was young, impressionable, and into books about death and chronic illness. I hadn't ever had a bad reaction to anesthesia or even knew anyone who did. BUT, it was my worry, so it was my reality.

I think, more than the worry about something going wrong, was the worry that I wouldn't be in control. I have some major control issues I need to work through... I didn't like the idea of me being unaware of what was happening or the thought of losing track of time without knowing where I had been. It is putting a lot of trust in people I hadn't ever met. What if something goes wrong and I wake up months later in a mostly abandoned hospital? What if I wake up to hear the moans of the undead trying to eat my brains? It happened to my friend Rick and things have been rough for him ever since.

I was also worried about the way I would act or what I would say when I was waking up. I had a huge fear of being mean. I was afraid I would be mean to the nurses, they have tough enough jobs, I didn't want to be a jerk and add stress to their lives.  I also didn't want to be mean to Mac if he didn't deserve it. (I only want to be mean to him if he deserves it and I can remember it...) I even had a little fear that someone who had been entrusted to be my responsible driver would decide to record me and I would be the next viral superstar. Move over Chewbacca Mom.

Thankfully, today was smooth sailing. After only a couple hours of sleep the night before, I welcomed the drug induced sleep! I kind of think that is part of the diabolical plan of the colon clean out... they don't really need it cleaned out, they just want you desperately tired so you won't fight the anesthesia... I could be wrong, but I don't think so!  Before I went under, the nurse and I celebrated the fact that I wasn't pregnant. She hesitated for a minute, worried that maybe I wanted to be pregnant. I reassured her that I didn't.

And then I woke up with a Kleenex in my hand asking for a bacon sandwich. I sat up in my bed and the nurse told me I needed to stay a little bit longer then she disappeared. I was a little worried. I remember talking to the nurse or the curtain I can't be positive on this part of the story, "Oh no! I didn't have a baby, did I?"

The nurse or the curtain responded with a laugh in her voice, "I don't think so, did you?"

I was relieved, "Good, I didn't want to watch Paw Patrol." Before the nurse or curtain could respond, I scratched my forehead and said, "Wait, I haven't ever watched that."

The nurse or the curtain laughed and said, "I think you must have had quite the dream,"

I must have but I don't remember, and that is ok.

Mac showed up. I said something weird to him, but I don't remember. I just remember him giving me the look of not sure what to do or say, but trying hard not to laugh. The doctor came in to show us pictures of my insides. The 7th grade science student in me really wanted to take them for show and tell, but I didn't. The doctor said a bunch of things. I know he said they found 1 polyp, but it didn't look bad. He also said my stomach had 3 places where it was bleeding. It wasn't ulcers, but I don't remember what he said it was or could be. I know he said we will find out in about 10 days when the results come back. He didn't seem to worried, so I am not going to worry.

I left feeling optimistic. and hungry, very very hungry. and tired, very very tired. At least we knew why I was losing iron. Now we just need to find out why I am bleeding, but I am not going to worry until the doctor calls and says I need to worry. No matter what google says, even if I had my fingers crossed when I promised my friend I wouldn't try to be an internet doctor detective, I will not worry. I will not worry. I will not worry. I will go eat another meal, I have 24 hours to make up for!