Treatment 2 of 4

No matter how much I plan and worry things change, especially the things I don't have any control over. Today was supposed to be a big test day for me. The test I was worrying about and losing sleep over, but I got a call Monday night that the doctor wouldn't be able to make it in, so we needed to reschedule.

Now I get to postpone my sleepless worry for another month, just when I was getting to the point where I was ok with everything. Luckily I was able to schedule an infusion for today, since Mac already took the day off. I am currently getting treatment 2 of 4 (but maybe more). I have to say this part really isn't so bad. I am sitting a recliner in almost peace and quiet. I brought my homework and my computer. I am kind of enjoying my 1.5 hours of relative alone time each week! (I feel like that is wrong to admit that, but it is true.)

Hopefully I will start to feel a difference after this infusion. I was told it could start to work anytime, even after the first one. I really didn't notice a difference after the first, so maybe first is the worst and second is the best. Fingers crossed!

Write my Worries

To say I'm overwhelmed by the response to yesterday's post, is an understatement (and also a cliché, but it fits so I'm going with it!) I write for me. I enjoy the clear head I get once my worries are typed. I love the adrenaline I get when I push publish, not knowing if anyone actually reads it or not. Honestly, I don't care if anyone reads it. Sometimes I have the courage to push publish because I assume my mom is the only one who will read the post. "Hi mom!" I also kind of selfishly get a thrill that maybe what I wrote makes someone feel something that day; hopefully happy, but I unexpectedly have had a few people respond that my blogs have made them cry. Sorry!

Yesterday I had to write to get the worries  out. I needed to put my thoughts in print so they would stop bouncing around in my head. And my goodness did it work! Last night I had the best sleep! I fell asleep before 10:00 and stayed asleep until A1's alarm clock went off 30 minutes before mine... We can talk about that later... I woke up rested, not groggy or even needing caffeine. It was a miracle! I didn't even think about my doctor's appointment until the girls asked me if I was going to be cut open today. Ugh... Nope. Not at all. Note to self: explain to the girls what is going on. 

I'm a very private person. I know, weird. A lady with a blog is a private person. But I really don't like to share about me. I will share about the A Team all day, or until they ask me to stop. Writing yesterday and sharing what is going on with me was freeing in a way. I usually worry about making other people worry. I didn't share with many people because I didn't need them to worry when I didn't even know what I was worrying about. I would rather be the one doing the worrying. I'm really good at it. It is my talent. 

I had so many people reach out, offer support, help, and encouragement. It felt great to know so many people where out there. The first few people who reached out made me cry. I was impressed, I couldn't believe they wanted to share the worry. They were there for me. Then as the night went on I was in shock. I couldn't believe the number of people who reached out. I could really feel the love. 

Thank you to all my friends for sharing the worry, for reassuring me, for offering to take on the A Team. I even had an offer to help with laundry... Too bad my laundry is all done, but sitting in baskets waiting to be out away. I really have the best friends, know the best people, and run in the best crowd. I will continue to write my worries, because I love sleep. 

In a Puddle of My Own Worry

Tomorrow I start treatment for a mystery illness. I haven't said much to very many people because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say and I don't like talking about me. Really the only people who know are the ones who have had to deal with me on a daily basis. The ones who have held on to me when I passed out. The ones who sympathized as I fell asleep while sitting down to eat. The ones who watched the girls so I could rest. The ones who I canceled plans with when I just couldn't. The ones who know, really don't even know, because I don't even know.

It is a little a lot scary when you know something is wrong, but you just don't know what, or when you know what but you just don't know why. While I am confident that my treatments will work and I will be feeling 100% by the end of July, just in time to go back to work, it is still enough of a health scare that makes me aware of my mortality. It has been the greatest contributor to my mom-somnia since school got out. I wake up at 3AM and worry. I worry about leaving the girls. I worry about leaving the girls before they are ready for me to go, before I am ready to go. I, of course, have made lists. I have lists for the girls. I have lists for people who would take care of the girls. I have lists for Mac. Now I know if something were to actually happen no one would find my lists for years, but I still felt better just writing them. 

I am relatively certain once I get past my appointment next week, I will be over my mom-sommia. The appointment next week is the one I have an irrational fear over. I know worry is wasteful, and yet, here I am sitting in a puddle of my own worry. I will continue to pray and make list, because lists make me feel peace. 

Please promise me, if something does happen to me, you will make sure the girls remember to brush their teeth, do their homework, find something that makes their hearts happy, and remember I love them. And when nothing does happen next week, please promise to remind me to remember to stop worrying!

Time to Nerd Out

You guys, let me just take a minute to completely nerd out. I'm taking three classes this summer and my books for the first class showed up this afternoon. I can't begin to explain how excited I am right now. I'm overwhelmed with giddiness. This is Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one. I can't wait to get started. Tonight I will dream of Ticonderogas, note cards, and 3 ring binders. I can't wait to jump into this class. I'm even setting my alarm an hour earlier than I have to wake up, so I can begin before the girls move mountains. It is time to exercise my brain, learn some new tricks, and become a better teacher.  I hope you all enjoyed this completely unfiltered nerdy moment. More to come later, I'm sure. 

Parenting Judge-offs

Tonight I got caught up in one of those Facebook Parenting Judge-offs. You know, the ones that are often started when the well intended "I-would-never-do-(fill in the blank)-when-I-am-a-parent" comment bomb is dropped. I know better. I should have jumped out of the way. I didn't.

My ego took a direct hit by flying judgmental shrapnel tonight. I jumped in to the war. I tried to explain the other side. Why a parent might actually do what was being judged. I put my heart out there. I even gave a real life example of when I was guilty of committing the parenting offense. A few other parents agreed with my reasoning. They even added their own examples.

Then out of nowhere the critics paratroop into the conversation. "A good parent would never...", "It is ridiculous to think any good parent would ever...", "You have no business...", and "It is totally absurd for a parent..." bullets were fired with direct hits on the target. I was enraged. I was in full combat mode. These renegade Facebook warriors, who I didn't even know, sucked me into a fierce Parenting Judge-off.

I was ready to lash out. I wanted to name call. I was fully prepared to have a full-fledged internet temper tantrum. I had side conversations with my war strategy planning committee. We laughed at all the terrible things we would never say about these people we never met.

After facebook stalking these strangers, I was able to see the bigger picture. Being upset over this simply isn't worth it! These people are not worth it! The ability to see another person's perspective is a cognitive skill that many people haven't developed. It is one that takes practice and the desire to learn. Not everyone wants to learn to see other opinions. And that is ok. I don't have to choose to interact with someone so clouded with judgement.

I did what any sensible person would do. I deleted my comment, blogged about it and moved on. I am a good parent. I love my kids. I am doing what I think is best for my kids. I will make mistakes. I will learn from the mistakes. I will be a better parent because of my mistakes. I don't need to win a Facebook Parenting Judge-off to prove I am a good parent.  

End of the Year Roller Coaster

It is the end of the school year, so naturally, I am suffering from End of the School Year Blues. It is that time when Manic May gets the best of me and I am riding front row on an emotional roller coaster without a seat belt.

May has become an emotionally confusing time for me. The entire month is go, go, go. We rush from one this to the next. I rarely have time to process all the emotions that range from one extreme to the other. I need time to process the emotions.

A part of me is excited and happy about summer. I get to spend all day, every day with the most entertaining people I know; the A Team. We get to have adventures every day; play, stay up late, catch lightning bugs, paint, make messes, watch movies, read books, play games, and learn new tricks. I love spending time with the girls. Summers with the girls is a huge perk of my job!

Even with the excitement of spending time with the girls, there is still a part of me that is always sad at the end of a school year. I hate saying goodbyes, especially when I am saying goodbye to a great group of kids and parents. It is always hard for me to let go of these young people who I have invested so much time and energy. Lucky for me that I will get to follow some of these people next year when they on to 6th grade! Not only is it hard to say goodbye to students, but it is also hard to say bye to my friends. The people I have been in the trenches with for months. The adults who I have bonded with and shared happiness, sadness, and frustration with on a daily basis. It is hard to go from seeing your friends every day to only seeing them a couple times in 2.5 months.

The biggest reason I get sad at the end of the year is that it marks the passing of time. In 2 days I will be finished with my 15th year of teaching. What?!? It is hard to believe that I have already spent that many years teaching and it is hard to believe I still have a ton of years to go. This year is an especially hard year because it is a milestone year. A1 is leaving elementary school and moving on to intermediate school. How can my little baby really be old enough to be in 5th grade? It can't be possible!

Sweet First Day of Kindergarten A1

Mature Last Day of School A1

My emotions should level out the beginning of the second week of June, so if you need anything from me, you should probably wait until then.

Art Fair

The A Team took on the Springfield Old Capitol Art Fair. We do this every year, as long as the weather is nice. Every year we pack up the stroller, sunblock, hats, sunglasses, and grumpy kids to take in a little culture. Every year we have temper tantrums. Every year we end up sunburned. Every year walk aimlessly from booth to booth not really making any purchases, other than a really cool wood carved clock a few years ago.

The girls are the only ones to buy anything, besides the clock. We always let them get something from the kids tent as we are leaving. I made the decision 8 years ago to wait until we were leaving because I didn't want to be left carrying whatever mystery purchases the girls victoriously emerge with. This year we wanted  it to be different, perhaps I was inspired by no stroller for the first time. We decided to let them shop first. I hoped it would make them a little more interested in the fair. They could get involved early on. They would be art owners. We would know what type of art they each like and we could search for the artists that created the works they selected.

I felt like a genius! The girls were excited to hunt for the artists. Well, A3 wasn't excited, but to be fair she really didn't understand what we were doing. A1 was the first to find one of her artist, Charlotte Fung Miller.

 

Charlotte was the sweetest lady ever. She actually seemed thrilled to meet A1. She hugged her and was almost jumping up and down. She was absolutely awesome! She went into detail about her painting, which is an original and not a print, telling A1 about the process. Charlotte also told A1 the meaning of the painting, Strength. A1 was proud of her purchase and couldn't wait to hang it up, especially now that it was going to give her strength when she looked at it.

Next we found the painter of A2's art work, Sean Miller. While we waited to talk to him, A1 looked around at the paintings he had on display and realized he was the painter of her second painting. She was proud of herself for recognizing the birds. Honestly, I was impressed that she picked up on the details and the similarities. She is a smartie for sure! 

A2 got a little starstruck when Sean Miller was finished with his customer and she wasn't able to talk to him. Luckily, A1 was there standing with her being equally starstruck... NEITHER OF THEM COULD TALK. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!?! The two girls who never stop talking wouldn't talk. They left me standing there needing to do the talking. I haven't had to talk for them since 2008. I almost forgot how to start a conversation with a stranger, it was been so long! Thankfully I have had many years of practice, pre-A Team and it all came back to me. After we left his booth, I couldn't help but think that it is really interesting that A1 and A2, who seem so different, would pick art from the same artist. Maybe they do have something in common after all...

A3 was getting a little mad at this point. We hadn't been able to locate the artists of her two paintings. She was in pre-tantrum mode. I promised her we were looking for her artists next. She reluctantly agreed to continue on our adventure. She may have agreed, but she wasn't going to do it without delivering a message to all of us.  With every step she took, we heard, "Boring, boring, boring, boring." Her not so silent protest made several others giggle as they walked by us. I am glad she brought joy to others...

A3's painting by Felicia Olin, was my favorite. Please don't tell the other two. It seems like something they would fight and argue about! There was something about this painting that really spoke to me. I was excited to find the artist because I wanted to see the rest of her paintings. We finally found her booth and I instantly fell in love with several pieces of her work. This was the first time I saw art and felt like I needed to have it. There was something about the girls in the paintings that touched me deeply. I wanted to adopt them and take them home with me. I am starting a Felicia Olin fund. I will have one (or five) of her paintings.

A3 wasn't super cooperative by the time we found Felicia Olin. A3 had already taken her anti-cooperation stance and was going to do the opposite of anything I asked or wanted. We finally got a picture. A3 insisted on holding both of her paintings in the picture. We went with it. She smiled.

As we were leaving, A2 found the artist of her second piece of artwork. She was excited to meet Cheryl Dorris, because one of her favorite people is named Cheryl. Meeting this Cheryl was great. She talked to A2 about the picture she bought and showed her the others she took of the same flower, or of the flowers of the same plant... A3 was starting to voice her opinion so I was a little distracted... A2 was proud she selected the picture because Cheryl made her feel important. 

Letting the girls get their artwork early was a genius move. The girls had a great day. They felt empowered. All three of them made their own choices on what art to buy. The girls were excited to show off what they bought to everyone we ran into. The immensely talented artists took the time to talk to the girls and made them feel important and smart. I am a genius. Or I am just lucky that it turned out so well. :)