Well it has been a year since you decided it was time for you to leave this world and end your own life, forever altering our lives. My emotions fluctuate from day to day. Some days I am angry. Some days I am sad. Some days I am numb and I don't know what to feel. Most days I am just confused.
Today I am feeling reflective. I think back to the day I had to tell my girls that you were gone. I kept it brief. I didn't want to glamorize or glorify what had to be a mistake, a lapse in judgement. I didn't want my girls to follow in your example. When I told A1, your God daughter, the one you promised to set a Christian example for, she pointed out that you wouldn't get to see her any more. She is right you have missed out on so many things this year. Not the things that will eventually be put in History books but the important things. The things that make life worth living.
A1 lost her first tooth. A1 started reading chapter books. A1 learned to swim. A1 learned to make her own bed. A2 went to preschool. A2 learned to spell her name. A2 performed in her first musical. A2 performed in her first dance recital. A3 starting rolling, sitting, walking, and talking. There were so many important things you missed.
On days when I am sad I am not just sad for myself. I am sad for your other friends, as well. I know the void the feel. The one that won't be filled no matter how much time passes or how many new friends we make. I am sad too for your family, especially your mom. I can't even begin to imagine what she goes through on a daily basis. My brain, heart, and stomach won't let me go there. Mostly I feel sad for you. I am sad that you felt this was the only option. I am sad that you didn't think anyone would be willing to help. That you felt so alone.
On occasion I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I didn't see this coming. I feel guilty that I didn't stop you. My guilty days are always shared with angry days. How dare you do this to us? How could you put us in this position? Why would you want to hurt us all so much? Then I go back to guilt. How could I think these things about someone who is no longer here to defend himself? How could I be so angry with someone who felt this was the only way?
Life is so precious. I am sorry you decided you were done with it. This year I have repeatedly been reminded about how precious life really is. Losing you and two of my grandparents in the same year was rough but I learned from it. I won't take life for granted I will live everyday I am blessed enough to live. I will do my best to make a difference to those I meet each day. I will be a smile for some student who may be struggling to find a reason to keep living. I will be a better person.
On second thought perhaps today I am feeling angry, sad, and guilty in addition to reflective. That is kind of the way it goes. I feel so much all at once. Even when I am feeling all these negative feelings I can still be happy knowing that I am feeling something and no matter what I am feeling it is ok.
Your friend,
Carrie
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