A3 is 3

I was extra emotional this evening. I hit me hard when I started going through our bedtime routine; A3 was about to be 3. Three seems so old; no longer a baby. Honestly, two really isn't a baby, but it is easier to live in denial and pretend you still have a baby. At two we still had baby talk and the strange language. At two we still had diapers. At two we still slept in a crib. At two we still had a pacifier.

Wait a minute...

Tomorrow A3 will be three waking up in her crib, wearing a diaper, sucking on her pacifier, and yelling some gibberish that only the other A's will understand.  Not much is changing, so why do I have the cry warning pain in my throat? Why do I keep tearing up when I watch A3 play? Why am I am emotional mess tonight?

I didn't have these issues when A1 and A2 turned three.  I didn't sit in the recliner contemplating the passing of time. I didn't get emotional with their aging until they climbed on that big yellow bus and headed to kindergarten. Good gracious, do I need to call my doctor? Is there something seriously wrong? Do I have some strange condition that causes me to have overactive tear ducts?

A friend of mine jokingly said, "Now you have a three year old, where is the new baby?" I realized what the problem was right then. This is the first time a member of the A team turned three without me being distracted by a newborn. A1 celebrated her 3rd birthday by getting A2. A2 celebrated her 3rd birthday by getting A3.  A3 will celebrate her 3rd birthday by getting a new dress.

Now I have a feeling of dread. Will all of A3's milestones, from now on, be depressing, since she has the burden of being the last A team member?  Will I spend the rest of her life being irrationally crabby and moody, crying every time something awesome happens for her? Yes, the answer is yes. I might as well buy stock in Klenex. I am going to be drying these tears often...

Three year old A1 with her birthday present.

Three year old A2 with her birthday present.

Three year old A3 with her cat.

Cutting Reactions.

Admitting this could make me look like a bad person, but I am ok with that!

I like to get drastic haircuts so I can hear the reactions from my girls and from my students. I am truly entertained by their brutal, unfiltered honesty. I can laugh for days about some of the stuff they tell my about the way my hair looks. A few times my girls cried after I got a hair cut and I laughed. See, this is where I look like a bad... Their reactions can be quite cutting, but as long I go in knowing I going to be smacked in the face with a hard dose of their reality, I can handle it.

This week I had my hair chopped off.  I am not talking a trim, I am talking a lot of inches... I am not a good estimator so you will just have to picture "a lot of inches" on your own. I didn't warn my girls or any of my students, because I wanted to get the full reaction experience.

My girls are on to my game so their reactions aren't as extreme.  A2 just said, "Nice hair mom." A3 didn't say anything, she just kept playing with my new do. A1's reaction was my favorite, "Oh mom, I just love your hair. It looks so good! BUT it kind of makes your head lopsided." Ah, there it was, my favorite kind of compliment, the backhanded compliment. It looks good, but... 

The girls in my class all had positive reactions.  Some girlishly squealed as they told me they loved it, other just said, "You got your haircut." Obviously, their mama's taught them the If You Don't Have Something Nice to Say rule.

It seems that my most recent hair change had the most effect on the boys. One boy took one look at my hair and said, "What happened to you?" I told him I got it cut and he tried reassuring himself by saying, "It will grow back." I told him I liked it and I would only grow it back if I wanted to. He wasn't too confident in my decision.

Another boy saw me first thing in the morning and said, "Why did you do that?" I told him sometimes I just need a change in my life and the easiest thing to change is my hair.  It was time for a change.  I also said I just didn't like the way it always look so blah. He said, "Well we liked it. I can't believe you would do something like that." I told him I was sorry he didn't like it, but I was happy with it so this is how it would be staying. He just kept staring at it. Then he said, "You look like that girl on Tangled." Rapunzel? "Yes, Rapunzel." So you are saying I look like a princess? Thanks! "No, it looks like her hair after she cuts it herself, bad, It looks bad and uneven and scraggly." Thank you so much! That is what I wanted it to look like, uneven and scraggly. 

There is something totally refreshing about the honesty you get from children. They say exactly what comes to their mind without really thinking about anyone's feelings. I like that...

I did have one adult, who is known for her uncouth remarks, ask "What in the world possessed you to cut your hair like that!" I told her it was what I wanted. She just shook her head. I laughed. She can get away with it because she reminds me of my grandma. Perhaps I should tell her that...

A1, the flower, posing with my new hair, the scraggly cut...

Diet

Mom's on a diet again. Now the whole family must suffer...

Not this time. I'm not doing any ucky shakes, diet bars, or eating air. I love food. Food makes me happy. Fake chocolate tasting diet bars and shakes do not make me happy. Air is good for breathing, not so good for eating. 

I'm sticking with real food. Good food. I'm cooking. I'm even trying new things so I don't get bored. I think this will be the key to being successful. Don't get bored. 

I'm trying branch out from our normal go to meals. I'm trying to use more beans, eggs, and chicken and less pizza, pizza, and breadsticks. 

We are two recipes in and have had double success. Tonight we had an omelet bar. Mac and A2 were my chop masters. They chopped red, yellow, orange, and green peppers, onions, spinach, and mushrooms. A2 especially liked choppng the mushrooms because they weren't scary to chop. 

The girls each were permitted ingredient control for their own omelet. Knowing they would turn their noses up to almost all of the choppings, I told them they were only allowed to leave out two things. The rest had to be put in their eggy creations. I even let them decide how many pinches they put in. I'm happy to report A3 put everything in. A1and A2 put in three pinches of all the peppers, spinach, and cheese. 

To go with our omelet, we had Blood Oranges. Not such a winner with the A Team, but they all tried them. I really liked them though. I'm getting so brave!

After dinner everyone agreed this was an awesome dinner. A2 was really proud of how much she helped!  I have to say I'm very happy tonight. Food makes me happy. Proud A Team members make me happy. Happy kids make happy. I'm happy being happy. 

Subpar Mom

It is time to come clean.  I feel like I have been living a lie.  I can't take it any longer. Every time someone tells me, texts me, or leaves me a message on facebook saying, "You are an amazing mom," or "You are doing such a wonderful job raising your girls;" I just want to bury my head.  The truth is I am not an amazing mom. I am not even an "Ok" mom.  On most days I am a subpar mom. Don't believe me, just ask my girls.

For any of you nonbelievers of my insufficient parenting, I have made a list.

9 Reasons Why I am a Bad Mom

It could have easily been more, but I am too lazy.

1. Zoos- I hate them. I always have.  I probably always will. It isn't because of a rational reason like animal cruelty. Zoos just totally creep me out! So many smells, sounds, animals, and people; not my thing at all! A1 has only been to a zoo a few times, A2 once as a 3 month old, and A3 hasn't ever been. Are my girls lesser people because of my anti-zoo stance? Probably not, but all of my really great mom friends take their kids to the zoo. Way to let your irrational anxieties lessen the quality of life for the girls, Carrie.

2. Playing games- My friends have family game nights at least once a week with their kids, I know this because I see the pictures on facebook.  Confession; I hate playing card/board games with the girls. We always start out on a happy note. Everyone is excited and ready to follow the rules. Then we roll the dice. All hell breaks loose. There is screaming, fighting, cheating, and crying. and the girls aren't happy either. My stress level is always off the charts when I am playing games with the girls. We never finish games and most of the time lose pieces after someone chucks them across the room. I usually end up yelling that we shouldn't be yelling at each other. #Ihateplayinggames Way to not teach the girls a life lesson about how to win and lose, Carrie.

3. Listening to reading- I know it is important to listen to the girls read. I am a reading teacher for crying out loud. BUT, by the time I get home I just don't have it in me to listen to new readers.  It is like nails on the chalkboard. For some reason I have made it a rule that we have to do homework as soon as we get home. I am always HANGRY right when we get home. Why would I make this homework/reading out loud torture time? I haven't ever claimed to be a good planner, but this is ridiculous. Way to teach the girls about patience, Carrie.

4. McDonalds- No explanation needed. Way to show them how to be healthy, Carrie

5. Gas- Whether you call it toot, pass gas, fart or fluff, I do it. Sometimes in front of the girls. On purpose. Deep down inside, I know it is wrong, but I am so immature.  I find farts funny.  Good thing my girls do too. (So do most of my close friends, but I won't call them out. This is sensitive subject.) Way to teach them to be ladies, Carrie!

6. Bad words- I may not have the foulest mouth in our house, but I have been known to say a four letter word from time to time.  I really try to not say them in front of the girls, but an occasional $h!* will slip out, especially when you drop a dozen eggs on the floor... Way to expand their vocabulary, Carrie!

7. Cleaning- I HATE cleaning.  It puts my in a bad mood. I try to avoid cleaning at all costs.  The house is a mess? Let's go to the park, so we don't have to look at it.  What am I teaching the girls? Avoid the things they don't like... Great role model, Carrie!

8. Candy- Oh candy.  I love it.  My love for the candy isn't really the problem it is the reaction to the girls stealing my candy that is the problem.  Last year when A1 ate, what I thought was, the last Brach's Malted Egg, I went balistic.  I screamed. For real I screamed and leaped across the kitchen to try to stop her. I scared her but the egg was in her mouth. Then I cried.  I actually had to go upstairs to compose myself after it was gone. I have a serious problem. Way to encourage addictive behavior, Carrie. 

9. Reality TV- I love watching TV. I especially love Reality TV... The only way I can really watch TV is if I let the girls watch it too.  During her toddler years, A1 thought Cara, Mady, Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Colin, Leah, and Joel were her best friends.  We would watch them once a week and I called them our "Play dates." She seriously thought they were all BFFs. Now there is a new Maddie in her life and we cheer on the girls of Dance Moms. Our list of Reality TV Show togetherness includes more than Kate Plus 8 and Dance Moms. We also watch Biggest Loser, Big Brother, Little Woman LA, The Voice, and Rising Star. The list of shows I try to sneak and watch without the girls is equally as long and equally as embarrassing. Way to turn their minds to mush, Carrie!

If Charlotte Danielson was to evaluate my parenting I would have to be meeting with an administrator do work on an improvement plan since I would have an unsatisfactory rating. Sorry A Team no administrator here, just your old unsatisfactory mom.

Email from the Teacher

I am always entertained when the girls are home with Mac and my phones rings with a Facetime phone call from A1. 9 times out of 10 it is a tattling call. Mac wouldn't let the girls eat a third cookie before dinner, Mac made the girls do their homework before they can play with their friends, or Mac made the girls clean their room. Totally tattle worthy.

Tuesday night Mac was home with the girls, so I wasn't surprised when my phone rang with a facetime call from A1. I was, however; a little shocked by our conversation. You know that sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you hear something ominous? Yeah, I had that.  All A1 had to say was, "Mom, did you get an email from my teacher?"

No, I hadn't gotten an email from her teacher. I checked my email before I left school 30 minutes earlier and I hadn't gotten anything at that point. My mind quickly became a flood of questions just seconds after her opening question. What could her teacher be emailing me about? Did she fail a spelling test? Did I forget to turn in a permission slip? Did she finally snap and attack the "emotional bullies"? Why does her teacher need to email me?

I asked, "Why is your teacher emailing me?"

Her response wasn't one that settled my nerves, "How about we talk about it when you get home, but only if you aren't going to be mad..."

I am not sure if this was the smartest move.  She gave me 10 extra minutes to imagine the worst and come up with the most brilliant punishments.

A1 met me at the door. "Ok, so mom, this is what happened. Today Boy 1 was all 'Man, that is so gay. You are so gay. Don't be gay.' So I kept telling him that he shouldn't say that.  It was being mean to people who are gay and you shouldn't make fun of or be mean to anyone for being gay. He kept saying it so I said, 'Oh yeah? Well are you making fun of my aunts?' Boy 2 jumped in and said, 'Are your aunts gay?' I said, 'Yes.' So then he said, 'Then yes I am making fun of your aunts. If they are gay then they are gross. Gay people are disgusting.'"

Bad move little boy... If A1 was a superhero, it would be Anti-social Injustice Girl. She fights for the rights of those who she sees as oppressed. She will fight for their rights no matter the cost, even if it means an email to her mom...

Continuing the my-day-was-so-bad verbal dump;

"Then I said, 'My aunts aren't disgusting. They are really nice. You shouldn't make fun of people.' Then Boy 1 and Boy 2 said they wouldn't be my friend anymore, so I started to cry.  I told my teacher and she said I could go talk to the counselor and she would email you to tell you what happened."

What a welcome home! My mind was swimming and I didn't have any idea where to start. I went with the hug first.  That seemed like a good place to start, plus it bought me more time to figure out what I would actually say to A1. Clearly, she was not in trouble, but I was. I was a mix of emotions. What was the best thing to say to her? I had to quickly sort through all of my feelings; find the perfect response. Make sure I was thinking about all sides. I needed to remain calm, but that was hard. I wanted to jump in as the slightly immature momma bear and yell about how these kids are twerppy little buttheads who needed to stop being mean to my little girl.  I wanted to tell her to never talk to them again. Then there was the protective sister. I wanted to stomp on these kids who, no doubt, were just reflecting what was being said at home. How horrible to teach your kids to be intolerant and hateful! How horrible to be intolerant and hateful!

After our extra long hug I said, "I am sorry those boys said that to you.  You are right people shouldn't make fun of people for ANY reason." Then I tried to explain that people will sometimes make fun of things they don't understand or that make them uncomfortable.  I told her I was proud of her for standing up and doing the right thing, but then we talked about a new approach. She is so strong willed I would hate for her to argue to the point of getting herself into serious trouble later. I tried to explain that being gay is one of those things that some people don't understand, so they might make fun of people for being gay. I told her it wasn't worth arguing with someone who doesn't understand. I told her the best thing is to tell them that it isn't right to be mean to people, then show people who are mean to others how they should be treating other people. Set a good example and follow it. Be a leader.

What a tough and confusing time to be growing up aware of the feelings of others, I just hope I am guiding her in the right way. I don't have the answers, and most days the patience, but I am trying and that is all I can do.
 

That Moment

That moment you sit down, look in the mirror, and see your head on your grandma's body...
Not that there is anything wrong with my grandma's body. I am sure it is quite average for someone in her 70's; and honestly, that is what I would want, to be quite average in my 70's. However; I am not in my 70's, so my 36 29 year old head on a 70-something body is not what I want. 

This happened to me a few months ago and I stopped looking in the mirror. I mean I still look in the mirror to make sure my hair is presentable and the food crumbs are off my face, but I stopped really looking in the mirror. It was easier not to see how I have changed over the years, even just the last year.

I know what I need to do get myself back to having the body of an average 30 something. I know what I have to change in order to fit comfortably back in my average size medium slightly out of style clothes.

• I need to actually push play on all of those awesome Beach Body DVDs I buy. I need to listen my friend Shaun T. I need to get moving. I need to get outside, but that will have to wait until May and possibly June.
• I need to eat better. No more corndogs for breakfast. This has happened more than I really should admit... No more daily visits to my McDonald's. No more eating food just because it is there. The teacher's workroom can be a dangerous place, especially when you work with people who are great cooks! 
• I need more sleep. I have always been someone who needed a ton of sleep. Lately, I have been going to bed after 11 PM and getting up at 5AM. This is not enough sleep for me, especially when someone from the A Team wakes me up at 3AM.
• I need to find a better way to deal with stress. Starbursts are not the answer.
• I need to stop with the soda. Why in the world do I continue to drink that stuff that ends up hurting my stomach? I am stuck in a cycle where I stop drinking it, start drinking it, increase the number I have each day, drink 5+ sodas a day, end up doubled over in pain, stop drinking soda, start drinking it, increase the number...
• I need to eat more vegetables; fries and potato chips don't count.
• I need to eat more fruits; Skittles and Starbursts don't count.
• I need to drink more water See Mrs. C, I did pay attention last year in your science class!

I know what I should do, but the problem is actually doing those things. Why can't I make myself stop with the soda? Why can't I go to bed earlier ok, so I have 3 perfectly good reasons why I am not going to bed earlier... Why can't I plan ahead and eat a real breakfast? Why don't I have the motivation to follow through? Why can't I love myself more than I love food?

I know I should be like Nike and "just do it." That was Nike, right? Starting today I am going to pick one of the things I need to do and just do it.  Then, once I have some success, I will add another until I have all of my need to's added. I am starting with drink more water. This one should be easiest to do! 

Except I will start tomorrow.  It is too late at night to be adding water to this 70 something body, my 30 something head told me so...

Future Plans

Periodically I like to check in with the girls on their plans for the future.  I like to reassure myself that I am doing a good enough job being mean enough to make the girls want to move out and support themselves. After the most recent "check-in", I think I need to increase my meanness!

A1 typically responds with a list of 10-15 totally unrelated jobs that she wants to do at the same time. Dancing-doctor-hairdresser-soup cooker was my favorite. This time when I asked she got all weepy and told me it was too stressful to think about a job. She has too many more important things to worry about like multiplication or if so and so is still mad at her.  She was thinking that maybe she should just stop worrying about finding a job and look for a husband instead... at least she had a plan on how she was going to pay her bills. Then she added "or maybe I will just date some guys and live with you forever." NO! That is not a good plan! Just what exactly are you looking for in a husband? I will help you look. 

A2 had a real plan. She wants to get a job working at McDonald's, so she could see me everyday... I have nothing else to say about this.

For the first time A3 got to participate in my attempt at brainwashing. Here is how our conversation went:

Me: "What are you going to do when you grow up?"
A3: "Cry."
Me: "Cry, why are you going to cry?"
A3: "I miss my mama."
Me: "But you will have a job, what will your job be?"
A3: "No, I not have a job." Then she started laughing at me.

I need a new game plan. I am failing at getting them excited to move out...